Just some random thoughts about the past 24 years.

By: Glen M. Sutphin A.P.P.

Press Correspondent # 59465SUT

24 years ago my ability to lead a normal, productive life ended. To look at me you wouldn’t notice anything wrong with me and that has lead to some saying that because of that there is nothing wrong with me. Let me fill you in a little bit. I had a massive heat stroke which nearly killed me or did kill me that is debatable. I was unconscious for nearly 5 hours. Ever since then I have had seizures with no apparent cause or cure. No medicines help and 8 months after I had the heatstroke another event made sure I would never lead a normal life. I was involved in a car accident, a drunk driver hit the vehicle I was in and I was partially ejected from the vehicle through the windshield. I still bare a dent in my head from the rear view mirror where it hit my head.

Since my injuries are not disfiguring or very visible that means that people don’t see the extent of the damage. I look fine, but can not function or work as a normal person of my age should. I have black outs and seizures at times daily, mostly weekly to monthly depending on the factors such as heat, stress and such. So my working for a living was compromised and my ability to do normal things is effected.

Because my face isn’t disfigured or there’s no parts missing from my face or head, therefore there is nothing wrong. I have been told by professionals that since I can’t prove I was in an accident or they have no knowledge of such accident that it has never happened. Even though I have medical records and witnesses to the fact, I am judged by what I look like. I started my website a few years ago to get my story out it evolved into my blog. I use it as my voice so that many can see and hear what I go through on a daily basis. I have started covering news events and my opinion on them.

Ever since the emergence of the INTERNET there has been this growing trend I have noticed. A trend away from the mainstream toward the independent. I’m talking about our view of the media and it’s role in our lives. We are moving away from the days when the big media told us the truth and they now tell what someone pays them, what to say and who to push. The independent media is emerging as a stronger voice then the dinosaur big boys and rightly so. I saw this trend early on and have tried to get my foothold on the INTERNET and establish myself so I could ride this evolution and maybe even have a hand in influencing it myself.

I have also noticed that we are the media just as we are society. Everyone blames society for the woes of us all, when in fact it is us who we should blame. We have allowed all this stuff to happen by refusing to except that we can change it if we would just speak up. My whole blog has been about standing up to injustice and speaking out.

I have stayed freelance due to the fact that I didn’t want to be told what and who and how to cover events. When you work for a corporation you must do as they tell you and follow their dictates and even if you don’t believe their way you must follow. So I decided to build myself up myself. No help from the government, no one paying me to push their agenda, every word is my own and I stand by what I put in print. If I make a mistake instead of covering it up and trying to pretend I can do no wrong I admit I messed up and sometimes very big mess ups.

And speaking of mess up there are parts of my blog that are now totally made up events, which at the time I printed them they were true to the best of my knowledge but since I have found out they were lies, their now fiction and never happened. The good part about that is it was personal stuff not news items so at least the news is still right. Just some of these events and people that never existed. (i.e. LILY).

I also must say I was wrong in my estimation about how many years were missing from my blog. It’s not one it’s more like three years. I will not be filling in everything about those years as things that happened don’t need to be made anymore public then they were. I am trying to get things together as quickly as I can and get my website running again. My blog is backed up on my website the whole blog not just the current incarnation.

My seizures and condition have given me a unique insight into many things. The inability of people to change or embrace change is one of them. When you are forced to live a life where every day events are sometimes beyond your means and wanting to give up and quit are an everyday thought you get some insights. I must daily get up and try to do my best. Some days I totally and utterly fail at that and I get depressed. I am not gifted as some say, my view on this is it’s a curse, a punishment I must endure. I fight because that is all I know how to do. I have given up many times. Have had times where ending it all seems like a relief from it all. But that’s not the case.

I have decided to make the best of it and see just what I can do. Because of some of these unique insights I have made some enemies along the way and have lost friends and family because they just don’t really understand. And at times my words do not come out clear or coherent. Sometimes I can’t even think myself, especially when my head is buzzing and my brain is pounding out of my skull due to a massive headache which leads to a seizure. There are times I hallucinate and see things a lot differently then most do.

Even though I get depressed and feel down I will and can never kill myself, I am not allowed. I have to suffer and try and make things right here. I have thought of ending it all at times, like when I am laying in bed paralyzed from a seizure and can’t talk, I often wonder what would it matter if I wasn’t here. Anyone who says they have never thought about killing themselves to end it all is a liar. We have all had those thoughts. We have all at one time or another said what if I wasn’t here. Or wished we were dead.

I do not think it’s a bad thing to think that as long as you also think how could I do better and make things better while I’m here. And taking my words out of context and saying I am suicidal is plain crap. Those who know me know I will never and can never take my own life, if that were the case I would have ended it years ago. You don’t go 24 years with a condition and not have those feelings. I have struggled for 24 years against some of the harshest and most crazy things in my life. Just read my blog.

Car wrecks, drive by shootings, a friend being murdered, being falsely accused of child abuse and making child porn, being homeless, being incapacitated, and being told I have made up my condition just for a few. I continue to fight and will never surrender or give up. I must continue to fight till I can fight no more or till I win that is the way of things.

I have found things in this life worth fighting for till god kills me or takes me from this plane of existence. Two of them are my wife and my son. They are what keeps me going everyday. They are the reason I fight so damn hard against all the negative thoughts and bad memories. Because of some of my thoughts I can see why people decide to kill themselves and almost every time it’s a bad thing. I can understand why the child who is bullied thinks the only way out is to kill themselves. I do have pity for those souls who do that. I do understand where you are coming from in that thought. It’s not right but I do understand it. I understand being bullied and picked on, hell I’m still being picked on myself at times. Should see what people tell me and think of me, but I have also found this weapon to combat that. I don’t give a phuck what you think about me, I have never cared.

I don’t care if Joe blow doesn’t like what I post, it’s not for them. It’s for the people who need it. Somewhere some of what I say and do will reach the right person, and even if it’s just one person and it helps them I did my job. Even if no one hears it or sees it now, someday someone will and they might just gain a little more insight, then it’s all worth it.

I’m going to shift gears here and write about this that I saw a quote from Voltaire “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” To that I wish to add this, I also defend your right to have whatever thought or religion you wish, I do not hate you for it you have a right to your own opinion and way of life. However if you decide that you must try and stop me from believing and being what I want to be then not only are you wrong I will defend myself and take action against your wrong actions. Every person alive is special none are more or less special. But if you think you somehow are better then everyone else and try and push your way of thinking on my life and tell me your way is better then we have problems.

No your religion is not better then mine, no your way of life is not better then mine, your thoughts are not better then mine, they are your own. Each person must live life according to their own will. If you think I should do as you say, you’re in for a fight you will not win. I believe in freedom to do as you please, but not to force your will on others. And if you make a mistake own up to it, don’t blame others for your own mess.

This is starting to go way off course so I will end it here. Thanks to all those who read and follow me and as always Stay Tuned you never know what’s up next.

Author: lordnelga

Freelance press photographer, photojournalist, investigative journalist.

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