Entry for March 09, 2009

I have a question for you my readers. If some of the biggest shows on television deal with the super natural and spirits and such; such as “Touched by an Angel”, “Ghost Whisperer”, “Charmed”, And “Medium”, why is it so hard to believe someone who says they can see things like that. How many times has it been said on the television, “So and So Had a near death experience and was saved by an angel.” Or “We prayed and god sent us an angel to save us.”

Then why when I say I have died and come back from a near death experience and I say I can see spirits and such and I have visions and dreams, is it so hard for you to believe. I have always heard voices and saw things that others can’t. I have seen ghosts and supernatural things that I can’t explain. There are witnesses to some of these things, many believe for they have seen. I use to drink to kill the voices and the pain it caused me. I never thought of these things as gifts, it was more like a curse. After the heat stroke I was messed up pretty bad and resorted to drinking to kill the pain. Then that night 8 moths later around 2 a.m. on St. Patrick’s day we were in the car accident and my life was forever changed even though I refused to believe it.

I got to drinking worse. Tried to drown my sorrow in the booze and soon I crawled into the bottle and wanted to stay. I lost my first love because of stupid mistakes that I do take responsibility for. I lost a lot, everything as a matter of fact. I limped away to die some where but wasn’t allowed to. My wife came into my life and gave me a new meaning. I changed again or was it the first time either way I changed.

I now have a chance to change again. I will make the best of it. There are a few thoughts that I would like to share with you, spoken by people who were far more then I, yet I think if I do what must be done maybe I could stand by them in greatness. Anyway these thoughts are from the heart and mean something today.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

The bible commands it’s believers with this.

Therefore to him that knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin.
James 4:17

American King James Version

One of the best one’s is this gem.

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.

Denis Leary

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

Denis Leary

And the wild regrets and the bloody sweats None knew so well as I: That he who lives more lives than one, More deaths than one shall die.

Oscar Wilde

If Nature denies eternity to beings, it follows that their destruction is one of her laws. Now, once we observe that destruction is so useful to her that she absolutely cannot dispense with it from this moment onward the idea of annihilation which we attach to death ceases to be real what we call the end of the living animal is no longer a true finish, but a simple transformation, a transmutation of matter. According to these irrefutable principles, death is hence no more than a change of form, an imperceptible passage from one existence into another.

Marquis De Sade

A considerable percentage of the people we meet on the street are people who are empty inside, that is, they are actually already dead. It is fortunate for us that we do not see and do not know it. If we knew what a number of people are actually dead and what a number of these dead people govern our lives, we should go mad with horror.

George Gurdjieff

In the democracy of the dead all men at last are equal. There is neither rank nor station nor prerogative in the republic of the grave.

John J. Ingalls

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

Albert Einstein

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones.

William Shakespeare

He whom the Gods love dies young, while he is in health, has his senses and his judgments sound.

Titus Maccius Plautus

Do not go gentle into the good night. Old age should burn and rage at close of day.

Dylan Thomas

These are just some of the thoughts I have been having lately. Having to deal with the murder of a friend and surgery and life just being the pits. Sometimes it’s so hard to remember that there is any good anywhere. I’m going to have to fight several different battles at once and believe you me that does suck a big one.
I guess I lost track again I was talking about spirits and ghosts and such wasn’t I. I will fill in something that I eluded to in one of my posts about Sean being murdered. It was the reference to the Angel of Death. **

Entry for February 16, 2009

‘ He was shot right at my gate where the mailbox is in the photo. It’s still surreal and I don’t want to believe it but he’s gone and there was nothing I could do but watch him die. I saw the angel of death by his side and yelled at them to leave him alone but they didn’t. How would you feel right now, I know what I’m feeling is anything but good. My wife held his hand till he was in the ambulance. My son watched him laying in pain and dying in our front yard. Tell me how I am to feel?’

I do have to make a correction here. It was my wife and Trin on either side of him with the Angel of Death on his chest. I yelled at Death to leave him alone. Death stopped for a few seconds. Death looked me straight in the eyes and said “ Not this one, NO, You must stay.” I saw what Sean was seeing which was his wife and my wife and my son all sending him love and energy, but Death won this one. I know his last thoughts were of his children and his loving wife and he went wondering who was going to care for them. I know Cliff said something to him before he pulled the trigger. What, died with Cliff.

Death’s burrowing dead red eyes stabbed through me in those seconds. It brought back memories long forgotten from my past. I heard the sound that Death makes which is why I know he died in my yard not at the hospital. He was almost gone when I got there to witness the end of a man child’s life and could see with my awake eyes plain as day Death. I asked Death to take Cliff as well, and so it was. There are witnesses to this ,the police who were around me, my son, my wife and Trin. Maybe not Trin as much as she was in shock. They all heard me yell “Get away from him” Even the paramedics. They didn’t see what I saw but they heard me yell, I think even God heard me. Half the universe heard me, the other half wasn’t paying attention.

These two women say their weak and not good at handling situations, but they were strong that day. Each of us were strong that day. It was the feeling that was in the air, thick, so thick you could taste it. It made you want to hold your head up and face the problem and get through it. We all made it through to this side. One of us made his journey to the other side.

His murder still is plain as day to me. I won’t forget it any time soon. It has made me want to get up and destroy those who persecute me and come up against me. I have this burning fire that is raging out of control inside of me. My anger and rage are at war inside of me, I wish I felt better I am still recovering form my surgery which wasn’t bad but after a year of being sick I am doing the best I can.

I hold no grudge against Cliff’s family they have to date done nothing to me. My dispute with Cliff died with him, I can’t hate a dead man, it’s a useless drain of energy. I still have plenty of enemies here to keep me busy. I am also making new friends, and new enemies. Because when ever there is a conflict that you have to choose side , you will choose your enemies. IT IS THE LAW > < For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. >

Sorry this is another long post so I guess I’ll end it here. Am I crazy, possible, Am I insane, Probably, Am I angry and upset and wishing I could call fire out of hell to burn people that could have done something and are now hiding or ignoring the situation, Yes you betcha. How would you feel? Probably the same as me so why is it so bad when I feel this way? Why do I have to be better and stronger and calmer and everything that is placed on me. Because I’m ME and there can be only one ME.


Author: lordnelga

Freelance press photographer, photojournalist, investigative journalist.


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