Entry for April 26, 2008
I tell you to watch what you say for words have a way of finding their way through the ether of time and come back to haunt you. If you say words hastily and in anger they seem to find their way back years and decades later. My fruitless searches through time have shown me things that most have not seen.
I can not go back and change that which has been but I can control the here and now and the future. I have done things in the past that God will judge me for harshly, I’m sure. I know I will stand before him again and be judged for my errors and my sins. That is the way of things. Every day I wake and curse this planet, I wish that the things I have seen will pass and not come to past but I know they will. They always do.
I look to a time when I am not cursed by visions of the future. I have seen New York burn, I told people that were in that area to not be there and it came to past that 9-11-2001 happened. I have seen other things that have happened as I said they would. I changed some of the things I have seen and don’t know if I should have let them or not but I took the chance and changed it. If I messed up the future that is my mess to clean up. For every action there is a price to pay. I decided to come back here and I except it and the price that came with it. I just wish that the price wasn’t so high.
In life there are many roads to go down. I seem to find the roads that don’t exist and follow them. I am strong but am weary and just wish to rest. But even when I stop things still move and make me fight. I fight a never ending war with the powers that be. I do not except their rule as the only way. I am not blinded by destiny or fate, I control my own fate and destiny. I fight for my life as messed up as it is and hold only the powers that be to task for their part.
I walk a lonely road the only one I have ever known. People come into my life and pass out of my life as a breeze at times. I have lost friends and family, I mourn for their passing. But each person that has touched my life has taught me something, and each day I die a little more. I have past beyond at least twice that I am aware of. Once in the heatstroke and once in the car accident. Each of those times I wound up in the same place the second time was the worse. I almost didn’t make it back and at times really wish I had of stayed.
But I must continue to fight on. So on I fight. Not caring or hoping for the future. I don’t give a damn what you might do because I’m busy being me. I loved an angel in hell and have been blest with three angels here in this plain of reality.
Every day I am reminded that I have a price that I paid. Every day I have headaches and some days I have seizures, I will never be rid of them till I die. They do keep me humble and I am thankful for them at times because of the memory they keep.
In the end the world will not care what I have done or what I have sacrificed to be here. And years after I die no one will remember me, that is also the way of things. We only touch a moment in time and time does not notice as it marches on. Into the void we pass and are no more. We have only a brief moment to be born live and then die. That is life in it’s simplest form, everything we do, say and think and everything we hold dear passes. Life doesn’t care, the sun will still rise and set and the moon will circle the planet with or without us. That is the law, I wished to change it and be more then that but in the end that is all there is.
We only matter while we are here. A rare few have made a mark but in time they too will be forgotten. People say I should have a better outlook on life but when you have seen the horrors and the things I have you would have the same view of this reality, reality is only what we make it. There was only one person in the history of the planet that was perfect and we nailed him to a tree and killed him. I do not try to be perfect only myself. In the end that is all I can be.
If I do control the circle that is coming together I will try and be everything I must. The cycle is coming to an end and then there is the next cycle. In the next cycle things are worse then they are now. The future is bleak and barren, but from that barren soil we will work and make a better future. To not be controlled by the powers that be is my goal. I am tired of being a puppet and them pulling my strings.
I care not what any of you think, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you believe me or don’t, doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is what I feel about myself. I never have cared what anyone has thought about me, I take that back there are three people who’s opinion matters to me and they know who they are.
I was told by my angel in hell “pray you make it safe back to your own world.” I was tempted to stay there with her, but in the end I knew that I had unfinished business on this plain to do. Now I’m here wondering what I have to do. All my visions have vanished and I changed, don’t know if for the better or worse but here I am anyway.
How many readers really believe and can except what I write? Is it a fantasy or do you truly believe me, I care not. I write these things so you can get your own ideas and your own views. Is it just ramblings of a madman or visions of reality. In the end only God knows the final verdict. Some say I’m cursed, others say I’m blest, and others think I am just making it up, believe that which you will. In the final days of the cycle people will start to see clearly, but then it will be to late. I use to hide things and not tell anyone, now I care less if people know or not or even if they believe what I write.