Entry for April 24, 2008

How many of you could go 20 years with a migraine every single day of your life and have a positive outlook on life? If every waking hour of the day you were forced to have a headache that would not go away or give you any peace. That is my life. I am forced every day to put up with a headache and then there are the seizures. And I am suppose to have a great outlook on this life.

If every want and need went unfilled, how would you react? Would you be cheerful and full of hope? I somehow doubt it. I have lived this way since the heatstroke 20 years ago. I have been forced to endure pain and suffering for half a lifetime with no end in sight. Every desire has vanished into thin air and yet I go on. I can’t get over the fact that I somehow asked for this. I knew not the price I paid to be back here.

My needs go unfilled as do my wants and yet I still somehow have hope, even though ever time I get the same thing, nothing. I have been blest with a wife and child. I was told by the doctors that it was not hereditary but yet my son also suffers from the same thing. His isn’t as bad but it is there. I endure and continue to try and be this thing that I must.

God decides the final outcome and I somehow feel it’s a cruel joke on me to have to endure this and not give up. I have tried so many different things to try and help yet nothing I do stops the pain. I don’t care for doctors as they have continually said there’s nothing wrong then said there’s nothing they can do. So be it. Why bother with them then.

Everyday it’s the same thing, I’m tired of just existing. My body is holding me prisoner and all I can do is sit and suffer. I continue to try and live the best I can but people don’t seem to understand that. They say don’t worry about it, don’t dwell on it, forget it and go on. It’s hard to go on when your head is splitting and the pain is so bad you can’t think. But endure it I do. Then they say I have to have a better attitude towards life, PHUCK that. If you spent each and every day suffering would you have a joyful attitude, bet you wouldn’t.

If the side of your face were busted and you had ringing in your ears so bad you couldn’t hear out of that ear at times, how would you feel. And if you weren’t allowed to kill yourself would you try and go on.

If you had to live by the same standards as I am force to live with would you survive 20 years? I have made my peace with the fact I will never get better or have no headache. And then there’s the you’ve been faking it people and doctors, to them I say phuck off. I am tired of people telling me I am faking a condition that I have proof of, I am tired of people telling me to forget the pain. You try and forget the pain that is in your head every minute of every day.

I have tried my best to live the best I can and do things, and have had most everything stripped from me. I can no longer drive, I can’t work and I can’t get better. What does that really leave me? Living a life in which I just exist. I have spent my entire life doing things to help others and bending over backwards to help people that spit on me and take advantage of it, and yet I still go and help people. I have saved many peoples lives and asked nothing except a thank you and I don’t even get that at times.

And I’m suppose to have a great outlook on life? When the time comes and things I have seen happen and people run to me then we’ll see how my outlook will be. I don’t really know if I will care or not. When people are dying and suffering we’ll see how my outlook is then. I have seen visions of the future and it doesn’t look good.

Will I rise up and be that which I must or will I sit there and say the human race deserves what they get. I know not at this point if I even care.

Author: lordnelga

Freelance press photographer, photojournalist, investigative journalist.


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